June 2005

Genre: Family / Comedy / Horror / Legal Drama / Porno

Tagline: “Meanwhile… back at the ranch.”

Plot Outline: White-black she-male singer-actor-dancer-pervert-millionaire comes good in this heart warming family rom-com courtroom adventure about a man who is accused of a crime he-she did’nt commit (again) whilst his young accomplice undergoes deep and disturbing therapy to wipe the brain of neurosis.

User Comments: “Odd, challenging and made me scrub my genitals with bleach afterwards, but great slapstick comedy through out.”

User Rating: 6/10

Runtime: 18 months
Country: USA / Freakytown
Language: English / Bullshit
Color: Mixed / Unsure (DeLuxe)
Sound Mix: Dolby

After Whiteboybob’s post of his little (new) bundle of joy i thought i would share these 2 pics of my two boys. They were taken against a mirror about 6 months ago now for an xmas pressie for my Mum and Dad. The shots were taken in colour and then cropped (to fit the frame) and converted to a good black and white with heavy contrast in Photoshop.

They came out alot better than expected actually!

Why is it that every time i enter the comms room at work to reboot a server or do some admin work on the console i suddenly develop the acute need to go to the toilet.

The sight of me body popping on the spot infront of the cabinets to supress the urge to pee is a very common. Moonwalking usually does the trick for “number 2’s” as it clenches the buttocks to prevent leakage and also entertains! “Spin on your head and then freeze” is not an option…

Other places that make me suddenly want to urinate/deficate are:

1. My local library
2. Any area of woodland
3. The doctors waiting room

Odd or normal?

They came, they brought presents, they destroyed and then left - with party bags. Phew. It was a nightmare. 30 kids, 4 adults and a large bottle of spirits needed afterwards.

I was in charge of defending the ball pool/slide area which was enclosed in blue netting like a Steel Cage Deathmatch. When you have 4 6 year old kids attacking you for not letting them in as it was too full already, only the pure training of the Ninja could stop you from loosing it with them. Fortunately, i spent 4 years training as a Ninja in Essex and had to regress to my “happy safe place” several times during the ordeal.

Needless to say, several Jack Daniels later i am feeling a little better. What was worst though was the fact that as i squatted near the entrance to “The Cage” stopping them entering, i could tell i was having a real “arse day”. What i would have done for a bottle of Fabreeze. Lucky all kids smell - otherwise i would have been in real trouble. Maybe i need to shower more…

And as predicted, we left with 2 Ikea bags full of presents! Time to spread them out over the next week or two an do some serious Oxfam’ing.

It’s my number 1 son’s 6th birthday today and as a good loving father does, i have lavished him with gifts of a “Star Wars” nature.

Despite the fact that we are constantly trying to rid the house of the crappy plastic swords we have gathered from the “£1 a go - always win a prize” games you are likely to find at a fairground/village green festival, i went and bought him a new talking, force feedback lightsaber complete with sarcastic vocal advice from Yoda on your Jedi Slashing Action.

No doubt this will lead to more fights between the two boys and tears will follow as they do battle during the next installment of the “Kat and Alfie show” whilst i am trying to get them into their beds.

“It’ll end in tears..“

He also has a party tonight which is at a venue that has a capacity for 30 kids! So, we invited 30! If you are out and about our fine shopping area later, you can see me struggling to the car with bags laden with more Power Rangers, Star Wars, Ninja Turtle figures and other birthday paraphenalia you can shake a lightsaber at. If i just got the parents to put £10 each into a pot when they came in, i could sneak off and buy an iPod and some extra pressies for the boy and we would all be happy! Also, there is nothing worse than cleaning up after the party and looking at all the uneaten sweets and crisps left over after we have spent so much money getting it all together. Ungrateful little *******!

No doubt the tide of new little plastic men with their little plastics swords and guns will find their way into the loft with the other unused little plastic toys from his last birthday party! He’s got lots already, surely he can’t need any more? If you listen carefully at night you can hear them crying. Unloved and unwanted.

Wish me luck… and may the force me with me.

Whilst surfing the interweb blog highway I always seem to come across blogs of a certain style: Political Blogs (usually american). I am not religious or political at all but the fact that these people believe so much in something that i find totally odd and farcical amazes me. I actually end up in awe of them as i really don’t give a shit about much at all. It’s a bit like when i have to go to church for someones wedding or christening and spend the whole time observing the people and practices with a air of impressed riddicule.

Its silly and you are wearing
a dress, but i am amazed you really believe this stuff.

I am definitely the kind of person who might say

It does’nt affect me… therefore i don’t care

However, reading these blogs does make me question myself and my own morals and beliefs, which i suppose is a good thing. And i think the answer is that i don’t really have any opinions about much at all. I obviously care about my family and friends and what happens to them but other than that…

Is this a bad thing? I am not sure. Does my “boy in the bubble” attitute make my life better or worse? I think that i am just not on the right wavelength anymore. Too much travelling the “path of least resistance” has probably made me into a soft, accepting, introspective sort of person who only deals with events that come to me. Maybe too much “giving” has been my downfall and i need to spend some quality time in the “Taoski Zone”.

Whats your attitute to such things, and how can i change - or should i?

Here are my latest colour pics i have uploaded to Flickr. They are mainly from in and around the Butterfly Farm at Stratford Upon Avon, but the fourth one is from the Dungeon at Warwick Castle.

Here are the latest black and white shots i have taken too. They were all originally colour but have been photoshopped back to black and white. I definitely prefer a photo with real contrast and think i am leaning more towards black and white photos these days.

I might start a new blog just for my pics seeing as my matey Mr Pig seems to be doing well with his. What do you think?

Back to work on the bike again today after a great weekend starting off by playing Bastard Brag and drinking JD on our bi-weekly sabatical Friday sleepover at our friends house and then a day at the parents in law which as usual, involved more beer and garden games with the kids. Sunday was the highlight of the weekend as we took a family trip to Warwick Castle which was excellent. The rainy weather held off and we happily climbed staircases to the tops of the towers and pretended to be scared of the ghosts. As usual, i was transfixed by the archery displays and really just wanted to have a go. The resident Warwick Castle Bowman was there too and gave a jolly good show. The job seems to involve taking the piss out of your fellow archers and the general public followed by a few swift flaggons of ale and maybe shoot some arrows at a target once in a while. The kids loved it all and seeing as we managed to get entry tickets for free (via Tesco’s Clubcard Deal scheme) we also avoided paying about £100 just to get in!

The journey home was just as pleasant (as i was not driving) and the wife and I played a game of “Knock Knock, Ding Ding” most of the way back. The aim is to be the first to say either “Knock Knock” when you see a red Royal Mail letterbox or “Ding Ding” when you see a Telephone box. I won 7-6 after spotting a “double dinger“, two phone boxes together in Towcester.

It’s actually better than playing my other car journey game, “Nodding Dog” where you pump the accelerator very slightly but not too hard to make it noticeable and then release the pressure. If you are making this manouver successfully over and over, your passengers head will slowly nod back and forth as you pump and release the pedal. Make a note of the starting mileage and see how far you can keep it going! You will also need to sharpen your peripheral vision to enable you to watch the fun whilst not driving into the ditch on the next corner.

It rained on the way home on Friday. Very rained! I got wet but i loved it!