July 2005

I have finished finalising my new blog design based on the popular Kubrick template but with my own header image to replace the boring blue banner.

Comments?

I like it better than my recent black template…
If anyone wants a header logo designed. i’ll give it a go!

Whats your biggest fib?

After reading BigFootCookies discovery about the blogger known as Mr Underhill going MIA due to his life of lies catching up with him I thought I would post one of my little lies I once used that came back to bite me.

I once took a training course in the installation and configuration of SQL Server 2000. As part of these Microsoft courses (and most other training courses probably) the presenter starts with “Hi, i’m Mr Blah blah..” and then proceeds to get the attendees to say who they are, where they work and their expectations for the course. They also get you to give “an interesting fact about yourself” which is always the killer question first thing on a Monday morning when you are surrounded by technical strangers.

Now I always feel bad about answering this question.. mainly due to the fact that I think I am boring and that really I don’t do anything other than muck about with PCs all the time and have no real life or hobbies. This may be true - so this time I decided to make something up.

“My name is Taoski, I work for Super Global Mega Corp and my expectations for this course are to learn as much as possible (and retain the information) to assist my feeble brained colleagues in supporting SQL Server.”

“My interesting fact is….. I am just about to sign a record deal to make electronic dance music!”

The stunned silence that blanketed the room was proof enough to me that I had nailed the lid shut on anyone elses “factoid”.

“Really? That’s so cool” said the presenter and he continued round the room and I basked in my newfound status.

The week long course went ok and the people sitting near me would often ask me about the music, what software and hardware I used to make it with and what my “band name” would be called and I was always able to give some coherant answers and make them sound plausable too!

“I use an old Korg synth MIDI’ed up to Cubase and an AKAI sampler” i told them to nods of approval.

As the days rolled by, they found out that my first track was going to be on a compilation CD and my band name was just going to be “Taoski”, I got paid £500 for the track with some royalties in the pipeline too.

The lies just came too easily… until a few months later when I attended another course and found one of the same people was there too. He asked about the CD and I told him it did get published recently but only in a small number.

I was then shamed into trying to find it on the Internet as he looked on with interest. Needless to say, “the label must have gone under” or the “CD has been pulled due to sample copyright issues” as i could not find it anywhere! I did feel a little silly at that point but I think I managed to cover my tracks fairly well.

I should have just told them about when I played Didgeridoo on stage at Glastonbury Festival in front of a crowd of thousands. That really is true and alot more impressive and mysterious!

Spicy Nose Surprise:

1. Take 2 cans of Stella “Wife Beater” lager and consume at 6pm.
2. Proceed to local curry house and despense 1 bottle of Cobra Beer (large) whilst waiting for food to arrive.
3. Eat Vegetable Biryani and Nan Bread.
4. Soak stomach contents with the other bottle of Cobra Beer (large).
5. Go home, drink 2 glasses (not bottles) of Jack Daniels and Lemonade (large).
6. Go to bed at 2am.
7. Toss, turn, feel rough, stay awake for most of the night due to stomach churning, puke twice and get spicy vegetable rice stuck up the back of your nose, get no more sleep until 0715am.
8. Allow little children to enter your bedroom and jump freely on your stomach at 0730am just after you got back to sleep.
9. Rise at 1100am feeling shellshocked and purged of vomit. Avoid eating all day (just in case).
10. Never again.

So.. i’m a wuss.
I just cannot drink like I used to - must be my age.

Here are the instructions:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “Interview me.” “Blow me” or “Eat me” are not acceptable substitutes.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different. I’ll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the answers to the questions that Captain Beefheart posed to me earlier today.

1: If you had to give up sex, meat or a testicle, which would you rather lose?
I do eat meat - but only occasionally and only the B-grade meats (burgers, bangers n bacon) but i always choose vegeburgers over meaty burgers any day. So meat is my answer. Sex and balls go hand in hand (excuse the pun) so thats a no-brainer!

2: If you could choose between a bigger penis, a bigger house or a bigger brain, which would you choose?
Definitely a bigger house - with no mortgage please! Now i’m married, I don’t have to worry about the size of “Little Taoski” any more. What you see is what you get luv - it’s too late now!

3: If you had to kill a celebrity live on TV in order to save the life of someone really, really nice, who would it be and how would you do it?
I would have to execute Kevin McCloud, the presenter of Channel4’s Grand Designs. Although I do love the program I detest the cut of the mans phrasing and “management bullshit” style of speaking, complete with over-used gesticulation, metaphor and intonation. He would definitely have to be pushed into the freshly dug footings on a building site and then covered in a grey cement death shroud.

4: If you could choose a super power (as in flight or invisibility, not the USA or Red China), what would it be?
I would have to have “The Force” as popularised in the space-opera Star Wars 1-6. I would use this power to determine which toilet stall had just been used by the person washing his hands as I enter the bathrooms at work. Its a 1 in 3 chance, but i always choose the one with the sweet sickly smell of a freshly dropped nut-log complete with a pubic hair adorned seat. I also had the idea of using The Force to “defragment” the space left around the cars in my road so I was able to park!

5: If you had to be stuck in a lift with food, water and a waste pipe for a week, which person - living or dead - would you choose to have with you? (If they are dead now, they would actually be alive in the lift. We won’t put you in there with a corpse)
A week is a long time to suffer the indignaty of being stuck in a lift (elevator for you US readers). Maybe someone like the Dali Lama or another spiritual teacher would be best. He could teach me the path to enlightenment whilst we both pushed our poop down the waste tube.

I raced home on my bike, through tearing winds and quickly departed back up the hill with my folder of documents, duplicate keys and two cars to part exchange in convoy. I did all the paper work with the salesman, signed over the old cars to a rusty grave at the local auctioneers, updated the V50 documents and dealt with all the formalities. The i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed.

They had my old cars now and I was sorry to see them go but i no longer had insurance to drive them after today anyway. The deal was done. I could see my new car sitting not 20 meters away, waiting for me, calling me…

I went to pay the outstanding £3.5k balance on my debit card…

DECLINED

“oh… oh shit… oh crapping shit!”

I started to feel a little light headed.

“Try a lower amount, say… £2k, just in case there is a limit on the transaction amount - you know… for fraud or something…?”

DECLINED

“shitty crap crap shit crap!”

A quick call to the lady at the bank told me all i needed to know.

Although they tell you that the money is in your bank account - you can’t have it!
No no no! How silly of me! Of course! How could i have been so stupid!
“WHAT THE **** ARE YOU PLAYING AT?”

“we cannot release the funds… not until the cheque for £3.5k clears that you put in last week.”

DOH…

I left feeling empty, sucked dry of any excitement and pumped full of the pain of embarassment. The salesmen cowboys ran my red face out of town and herded my two cars away to be branded, slaughtered and sold. They jeered at me from behind their advertisement window paintings as i left putting the final knives of pain in my back as i trod the lonely road home.

But i will be back.

“And this time… i’m gonna bring my money!”

In the words of Hugh Grant…

“Bugger!, bugger bugger bugger bugger!”

Technorati Tags: Hugh Grant, car, money, salesman, V50, part exchange, bugger

So there is was, trawling the Interweb for information on using Javascript Arrays to cobble together a web version of Lewies cool Technorati Tagger program - when i find someone has already beaten me to it.

Respect.

And if you don’t know about blogging and the use (and abuse) of Tags..
Check here

Technorati Tags:
technorati, tags, ICE, lewis moten, tagger, javascript, array

I have just read through two of the articles posted by WinSuperSite’s Paul Thurrott about the impending XBOX360. I know i am biased (as i already own an XBOX) but the device does sound very good and what the Microsoft man, Jeff Henshaw, puts across is a device that will appeal not just to gamers, but to the whole family. This is mainly due to its “Media Centre” mentality with the ability to access your “Friends List” regardless of if you are playing games or watching streaming video across your network. Think of it as like having MSN Messenger on your TV!

Of course Sony will blow it away with the PS3 when that arrives a year later as they already have such a large userbase all across the world. But for now Microsoft might have captured the flag from the other team.

Its almost as if all the extra mods and applications I primarily use on my modded XBOX will be built in to this next model! I might even buy an un-modded one for a change.

Technorati Tags: xbox, xbox 360, microsoft, console, gaming, playstation, winsupersite

Making the post about nicknames reminded me of when I was trawling the Internet for good and unusual baby names. I came across some excellent tongan, teutonic, , maori and icelandic names at the Kabalarian homepage which also allows you to check the meaning of your first name. Here’s mine:

Although the name Tao creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs, bronchial area, and nervous system.

Your first name of Tao has given you a clever, deep mind and the talent to excel in highly inspirational lines of endeavour as a dramatist, musician, writer, or artist. You can be lifted by beauty in all forms and you are at the most creative when inspired. Your expressive, affectionate nature responds very quickly through your feelings, but you must guard against being possessive and jealous. You feel and sense much that you do not fully understand and cannot express. Your delight in mystery could draw you into occult studies or religions.

The first paragraph is a little odd (he says as he steadies his shaking hands to light another cigarette) but the second is quite close. My wife’s reading on her name does say that she could suffer from a “restriction in her throat” - so they have obviously heard her sing before!

Technorati Tags: surname, baby names, kabalarians, tao

Holy cow! I just bought a new car!

Technorati Tags: car, citroen, picasso, debt