Outsourcing - a bedtime story.

Johnny has 10 apples - but he can't hold them all at the same time - but he want's to keep them nearby so he can get them to sell when he needs them.

Johnny sells 5 apples to his mate, Fred who holds those apples for him and passes them over for a price when asked.

After a week or so, Fred's Dad comes along, sees that Fred is taking up too much time and effort holding the apples for Johnny and replaces Fred with a cardboard box. Fred can now go and see his other mate Jim who has some Oranges he needs holding.

Johnny can still get his apples, but is a bit miffed that Fred is not there to pass them to him. Johnny actually has to get the apples out of the box himself which is too time consuming and is loosing him money through loss of sales. Johnny complains to Fred's Dad.

Fred's Dad comes along and cuts a side of the box away and throws it in the bin so that Johnny can get the apples easier. Johnny is happy. Fred's Dad is happy too as he can now pay for a smaller box, one with only 3 sides!

Fred comes back with his Oranges and shows them to his Dad. His Dad has the great idea of putting the 2 together and puts the Oranges in the box with the Apples. Now Johnny is pissed off again as he has to wait for the Oranges to get out of the way to get his apples from the box.

Fred's Dad is happy though. He now has a box with 3 sides full of Apples and Oranges! He doesn't have to pay for another box for the oranges!

Fred's Dad is called away on business and his Uncle, Bill comes to take over control of the box. He sees the box full of Apples and Oranges and he also sees Johnny and Jim using the box to get their fruit. Aha! Thinks Bill. I can make it easier if I take away the box and put the apples on the floor. This will make it easier for Johnny and Jim to get their Apples and Oranges and I can save money by not owning the box! Great.

Johnny and Jim are not happy. They have to fight to get their fruit now. There is no-one giving it to them. It is not in a nice box (with 3 sides) and they are just rolling around on the floor not in one place or another. They complain to Bill who has a great idea.

I've got this other box! It's bigger than the one you had before! It's only got 2 sides on which will make it easier for you to get your Fruit and it is already being used by 2 other people to manage their Fruit aswell! And - it won't cost you any more money!

Johnny and Jim are happy! They get their box back. They get their fruit when they need it. But they have to wade through the Bananas and Pears to get them though.

The 2 guys who own the Bananas and Pears get pissed off. They now have too much other fruit in their box to deal with and complain to Bill. But Bill has gone off on business and his wife, Judy, has taken his place.

Judy has the answer!

She will cut off a side of the box to allow them to get their fruit out easier!

Johnny, Jim and the 2 other fruit sellers are happier, but alot of their fruit is now falling out of the box and they are not quite sure how many pieces of fruit they have left. It's all a bit of a mess.

Johnny has had enough. He buys back his 5 pieces of fruit and puts them in his pocket to hold them. Jim does the same.

Johnny is happy as he has all his fruit back in his control. Jim is the same.

Judy is happy too. She just sold back the fruit at a bigger price than Fred bought it at in the first place!

Job done.

Hot on the heels of my 10 People You Find In Every Office post, here is a list of 10 things you will find in any office environment.

1. The Laminated Award
So you did a good job and saved the business 20 million last financial year, stayed all night to rebuild a server so that the MD could get his daily Dilbert email first thing in the morning. And what do they give you? A pat on the back and a laminated Powerpoint slide that tells everyone what a great person you are. There is nothing more demoralising than an award generated from a preset template and done in the MS Comic Sans font. I wonder if anyone has ever produced one of these in an interview?

2. The World Cup Chart
Yes, I know that football in the office environment is good fun but the World Cup finished months ago! Get that poster down and replace it with something else. Like a laminated powerpoint slide award for the person who won the sweepstake!

3. Funny Posters
“You don't have to be mad to work here - but it helps”
“Due to financial problems, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice”

They might make you chuckle when you first see them, but the secretaries photocopy them and then they are all over the place. Flamethrower...on!

4. Uglies
People! You come to work to get away from your kids! We also come to work to get away from our kids! So why would we want to look at pictures of ugly kids smiling sweetly or holding a fish they caught 12 years ago. That goes for pictures of your pets too!

5. Sweets
Candy in the office is a good bartering tool.

“Come to my desk for the meeting, i've got BonBons!”

Unfortunately, the sweets are usually from abroad and taste like burnt cat treats. Unless you can read the name on the packet in your own language - avoid them.

6. Emergency!
“In case of emergency - smash glass!”

The little red box with the clear glass front will often be emblazoned with the name of a critical system that is run and supported by your iT department. Inside the box will be either a cigarette or a small bottle of something alcoholic. The same people who have this might also have “panic” buttons glued to their computer keyboards.

7. Pin Ups
Your female work colleagues are able to have pictures of Johnny Depp and Colin Farrell stuck up around their workstation with no fear of reprisal. As soon as you pin up a picture of Demi Moore and Cameron Diaz in their surfing gear from Charlies Angels 2 - you get daggers from the women, lots of male colleagues accumulating around your desk and eventually a disciplinary offense by HR. What gives?

8. The Tool Man
A photocopier or fax engineer will always be present in the office somewhere. The machines always go wrong and get microscopic traces of paper stuck inside that will force someone to come out and take half the thing apart to find it. Either that or someone has (again) put the wrong acetates in the feeder and has gummed up the works after they melted. Even better though, as they were pictures of Orlando Bloom! You know exactly who to blame!

9. Squeeze My Balls!
Juggling balls, paper weights, squashy stress balls, magnet things, folding blocks, dripping liquid things. Yeah. We know you got sent one free from a supplier who was hoping you would spend some money with them - but do you need 10 of them? People get really annoyed when they get stolen too!

10. Life! But not as we know it...
Some people bring pot plants to the office (not the smoking kind!) to brighten up the place. Others just leave their coffee cups to fester in a corner until they resemble something from Jack and the Beanstalk! Take a close look behind your PC. I bet there is one there! Either that or one of those stress toys that you forgot about, an old pen or wall calendar from 2001.

This has been inspired (in part) by the Lists Group Writing Project over at Problogger.net. Darren does a great job inspiring me to blog more and to be more serious about it. He gives us hope that even we, can make money whilst sleeping, drinking coffee and mowing the lawn. I am still yet to earn enough from advertising based income to buy that coffee - but I will let you know as soon as I do!

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