The sniffles.

Whilst you have all been enjoying your bacon sandwiches and ham and cheese pasties, the pinky, muddy animals have been plotting to infect us all with a cold so bad that even doctors will have to stay in bed!

In the event of an all out Swine Flu Pandemic, I present the definative Survival Kit to help protect your family from the evil green bogies and head colds that threaten our civilisation.

1. Face Masks
The surgical face mask has already become a best seller on all of the Amazon stores all over the world - just see for yourself! This leads me to believe that people think that a simple piece of cloth that slowly cuts off circulation to your ears and actually causes more warm condensation around your mouth and nose and increases risk of infection is going to save us all. If you don't have a spar scarf around the house to tie round your face like a football hooligan - get a box of face masks.

3M 1860 N95 SURGICAL RESPIRATOR FACE MASK box of 20    US $28.95

3M 1860S N95 SURGICAL RESPIRATOR FACE MASK SMALL 20 BX    US $27.95

NEW Medical Earloop Respirator Face Mask Surgical blue    US $.06

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2. Nasal Spray
Nothing stops the world better than the onset of a massive sinus headache that threatens to prevent you from leaning over to put your socks on. The parachuting of Nasal Sprays by army helicopters will keep the pounding ache at bay - at least until you can get to the shops for some Obais Oil or to the Sauna.

Sinus Relief Nasal Spray 05 FL Oz by Similasan    US $11.04

Hay Fever Relief Nasal Spray 050 Fl Oz by Similasan    US $10.94

Flu Relief Nasal Spray 008 Fl Oz    US $10.29

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3. Chicken Soup
Nothing prevents the onset of flu and cold better than mums chicken soup. This is certainly the reason why the human race was never wiped out before by diseases like the black death and the plague. Tuck yourself up with a nice bowl of soup, put on that DVD of Mama Mia you were bought for christmas and sweat it out!

Mamma Mia DVD movie Abba Mama mamamia New Sealed    US $29.98

Mama Mia DVD 2009 Never Viewed    US $4.42

MAMA MIA SPECIAL EDITION WIDESCREEN 2 DISC DVD NEW    US $5.50

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4. Body Bags
There may come a time where a loved one, lodger, neighbour or wife might have been overcome by the Swine Flu and you will need to get rid of them before they either turn into a Zombie or start to smell like the bottom shelf of the fridge. You will most likely be required to bag up the body, drag it into the street and wait for someone from Freecycle to come and collect them - to resell on eBay (like all Freecycle people do).

latex rubber sexy SleepSack Bodybag with D rings 06mm    US $299.00

latex rubber SleepSack Bodybag with nipple window 06mm    US $289.00

Big Black Headache Bodybag Vinyl LP Shellac    US $50.00

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5. Antiseptic Spray
Before bed, after brushing your teeth, you will be required to go through the intimate cavity spraying of a cleansing spray. This spray will burn skin, but will also prevent germs from spreading across the "invisible line" in the bed you share with your partner - and it will also do a great job on getting rid of any limescale in your bathroom at the same time.

WATER JEL FIRST AID ANTISEPTIC SPRAY PUMP 2 OZ    US $2.40

HYDROGEN PEROXIDE ANTISEPTIC SPRAY 4 OZ    US $3.04

OPI NAS 99 Nail Antiseptic Spray 32 oz    US $.01

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6. Ear Thermometer
"Hello? Battersea Dogs Home" or "nanoo-nanoo" are both some of the pranks you can play whilst jamming a very uncomfortable ear thermometer in... your ear! I think they actually read the status of your brain and transmit it to the alien mothership - but that's just my weird opinion!

Digital Ear Infra Red IR Thermometer Adult Baby Healthy    US $15.36

Digital Ear Infrared IR Thermometer Adult Baby Portable    US $4.98

Digital Ear Infrared IR Thermometer Adult Baby Portable    US $4.98

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With these 6 items at your disposal, you are sure to last out the terrible oncoming threat of a global pandemic posed by the cute little sandwich making oinkers.

Ahh... they are still cute though!